Is it me or is it Beijing?

See also: 3 Months in Beijing and APEC Blue Skies

As the weekend drew to a close and inevitably Monday came out of nowhere (not that I do much on Mondays)  I got to thinking about my recent mood swings. That ‘home sickness’ that I wrote about previously, is a completely new feeling to me. I lived here, there and everywhere and never had a problem. Yet here I am, half way across the world in the land of emperors thinking ‘what the hell am I doing here?’

Before coming to Beijing, encouraged by many I did not have any expectations and was ready to go with an open mind. “I’m going to enjoy it for what it is and not what it could be”, I said. Those words instilled in me evaporated at some point and it wasn’t on the way here. So I know now that the issue lays here, in Beijing and I need to get to he bottom of it.

Those who know me, know I’m the happiest person around. I always see a positive in the worst of situations. This is far from ‘worse’ though. Like anything else, it has its flaws. London has its flaws, but the good outweighs the ugly there. I do not see that happening here.

There. I Said it.

I’ve heard of that honeymoon faze for the first 6 months of living abroad. Well that honeymoon was like a weekend bender and I see myself heading for divorce already. So after opening up to some of the wonderful souls I left behind in the UK and I miss dearly, I’ve got some courage.
I always saw myself as a strong independent person. Funny that. Thrown way out of my comfort zone I’ve come to realise that it’s not all me me me. What I left behind was a wonderful support system of loving, selfless the most inspiring and devoted friends. I am grateful that they are there, miles away but here for me.
Having realised that now allowed me to embrace this situation from another angle. They are there and I am here and I need to make this happen. Meeting tons of people is fun, yet exhausting. It takes time to find ‘your kind of people’ but I know it can be done. So I’ll work on it.
Plenty of free time allows for a lot of thinking. And Netflix. I have all the time to start new TV series every couple of days. How come I didn’t try ‘Orange is the New Black’ earlier? Who allowed this happen? Either way, I need less of that. You’d think I’d blog more as well, and I should. So I promise.
I miss being busy. Therefore, I have decided to find a meaning for my Chinese existence. I’m now hunting for an internship to make the most of my time here in Beijing. I loved my busy lifestyle in London and bound to recreate that here. I’ll feel more myself.
Beijing is a wonderful city, I know that. It just takes time to crack it and I’ve got plenty of that. So with that signature grin on my face I’ll get in there and do some real world PR. It’s a new place and it can be whatever I want it to be, so I shall get creative.
Did I mention the nightlife? First class… More about that next time. I just needed to let it all out this time round.
xoxo

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5 thoughts on “Is it me or is it Beijing?

  1. I love Beijing. First time I visited China in 2002, crossed overland from Mongolia, small ( in Chinese standard 🙂 village along the border, waiting for train to Beijing… it was so mysterious strolling through the Hutongs ( at that time had no idea what that was) in the twilight, steam coming up from the huge baskets, occasionally someone would run up to it hand money and scurry back with the parcel in their hand, through small lit up windows you can see barber at work, or a woman sorting some beans etc, heads and hoofs of the animals on the wooden blocks… I approach to one of the mysterious baskets, hand a few Yuan’s I had and to my surprise the smiley owner handed me a parcel too 🙂 That’s was my first meal in China 🙂 I was so proud.
    Next morning gaping at the train window to see all these wonders I am about to experience! we arrived in Beijing and the ancient secrets of 8000 years civilizations opened up for me.

    Of cause, travel and living is two different things. I understand you are homesick. But one think I know for sure, that after you come back to London, your mind will be drifting again and again to that mystery of the orient, something hard to explain, but it’s there, you can almost feel it ..

    BTW, I have an amazing friend ( he is older, my age 🙂 if you’d like to meet, from very traditional family, knows all the local secrets, he traveled extensively through China and Asia, his mom is traditional doctor etc. I am sure you met many friends your age… Just an offer.

    Ramune

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ramune, I can only guess 12 yeas ago it must’ve been even more ‘different’. You are right though, I could have seen it in different light as a traveler compared to what I am seeing as resident. However, I’m fighting my demons and starting to get used to Chinese way of things and it’s not so bad.
      I like your suggestions though, we should talk about that 😉

      Like

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